Unrequited

Dropping into a Christian bookstore this afternoon to buy my textbooks for college, I picked up a copy of Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love by American Presbyterian academic Laura A. Smit.

Loves Me, Loves Me Not is a frank look at a topic that is rarely approached, especially in Christian circles, where we handle it badly both in the counseling and the practice. All this is in spite of the fact that it is a major part of the everyday experience.

I demolished it in a single sitting. Smit writes with amazing passion and insight. She makes liberal use of original research, including interviews and case studies, thus avoiding the trap of dry, idealised analysis and pointing to real-life application of the ethical principles.

As someone who has been single for the best part of a quarter-century, I’ve had my fair share of unrequited love on both sides. I can’t claim to have managed it well, as others would verify. Loves Me, Loves Me Not achieves the remarkable feat of both identifying areas for me to improve (and giving me tools for dealing with problems) and showing me where others’ advice has been off the mark. One of Smit’s achievements is tackling common misperceptions head-on.

Key points

As a woman called to a life of singleness, Smit has a unique vantage in Christian writing – normally the domain of the complacently married. For her and, she argues, biblically, singleness can be seen as God’s default for us. As God’s plan is to restore us all into perfect relationship with Him, romantic relationships are not the end themselves and should be pursued only where they will encourage us to grow closer to God. While this may still make marriage a common choice, relationships shouldn't be seen as essential in the face of evidence to the contrary.

Smit also takes issue with the general assumption that ‘God has someone out there for you’. She finds no justification for the ‘soulmates’ view and argues that it is a way of avoiding responsibility for our own actions and faults. A balanced view of relationships that looks at both human actions and God’s plan is healthier.

A consequence of this view means that unrequited love can be an opportunity for growth and learning. Just because it is not successful or ideal, it may still be part of God’s plan to perfect and complete us.

Nevertheless, Smit finds many ways unrequited love can cause us to hurt ourselves and others. The book works through the major ethical issues thoroughly and gives me personally a great deal of food for thought.

What I learned

A common criticism of yours truly by my friends has been that I’m too ‘picky’ or demanding in my expectations of a relationship. Reading Loves Me, Loves Me Not challenged this in two directions. On the positive side, Smit’s endorsement of the single life means that relationships are not something to be settled for. Unless you are confident that it will help you both in your quest to grow closer to God and serve Him, then you should err on the side of caution.

Conversely, I was challenged by her comments on my view of attraction that sees it as beyond my control. Learning to love the right people is something that I’ve been learning gradually over the years, including not getting infatuated with girls who are wrong for me. I still have a long way to go, but recognising that it’s God’s will for me to better channel my affections is a step in the right direction.

What to do? Well, there’s a big leap between reading a challenging book and putting the lessons into practice.

As a matter of fact, if I’m honest, there’s an unrequited infatuation of mine where I finally recognise my need to put some things firmly in the past. We’ll see how that goes.

Categories: Gospel; Songs For The Ladies
Tags: loves-me-loves-me-not; laura-smit; unrequited-love